When I first started out in Paris at 22 years old, I was teaching teenagers about sexual health. The discussions would often turn to other matters on their minds, such as, “what was it like to go to college?” They’d often ask about all the freedoms, drugs, sex, and wild parties that they’d been conjuring up in their brains…and I’d tell them that, while those things were fun and exciting at the time, what I think about when I look back at my experience in college is the opportunity it gave me to find my people.
In high school, there are so many social pressures to be “cool”, to fit in, to look a certain way, to do certain things, to not do other things, to conform. And I conformed pretty well. Overall, I emerged unscathed and relatively confident. But when I got to college, I felt like I could take a breath for the first time. I could reinvent myself and find the group of people who liked me for me, not for what I did or didn’t do/wear/say/look like. This was a game-changer for me, and I credit it as the period in my life when I was first able to ask myself "who I am?”
The slow process of answering that question takes a lifetime. The technical term is “self-actualization”, and it’s never fully finished. Taking yourself on, getting to know yourself deeply so that you can start to have the confidence to bring yourself towards other people is the real work of living a full life. When you can hold yourself, knowing who you are in your perfect imperfections, you can then open yourself up to being vulnerable with others.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I met some of my closest friends in my first year of college. I listened to the true voice inside of me (not to the high-school-norms-and-pressures voice), and navigated my way towards the people who shared my interests and built me up with positive feedback and reassurance. This is the sisterhood that supports me today, and which makes up a network of support that awaits me in the wings when I need guidance and love.
I believe that in order to find that group of people, it starts with exploring yourself. Here are some questions that you can use as a starting block into your self-exploration. They can be used in journal format, talking with a friend, or just thinking through on your own during a long walk.
What does my perfect day look like?
When do I feel the most confident about who I am?
When is my body at it’s most energized? When is my mind at it’s most energized?
When was the last time I felt seen by someone else?
When was the last time I felt brought down by someone else?
What creates strong reactions in me? What do I feel passionately about?
How do I talk to myself when I am feeling self-critical?
When was the last time I felt truly content?
