One of the themes that comes up often in therapy is a fatalism around how sex will only get worse the longer a couple is together. It is a real fear that new couples have which can put unnecessary and unwanted pressure on their budding relationship. When a couple’s sex life declines, the question comes up of “is this decline normal or abnormal?” Is there simply just a natural waning of sexual interest between two partners who stay together past their “honeymoon” period? Or is it ennui that leads to not caring enough to attend to the sexual desires of our partners or of ourselves?
The expectation that society puts on new couples in regards to the standards of “good sex” leads to unrealistic expectations of sexual bliss. Sexual enthusiasm is expected to be at its peak during the first several months of a relationship, regardless of professional obligations, emotional ups and downs, or physical constraints…not to mention differences in libido. When it’s not, or when it declines, there is a real concern of something being “wrong” with the couple’s sexual chemistry.
So what leads to a fading of sexual interest?
One answer is a lack of sexual idealization for our partners. When a couple first meets, they are still separate identities, rooted in their respective lives. This creates for a lack of familiarity, and promotes psychological distance. New lovers feel connected and separate at the same time. Then, when couples have merged their identities after having spent more time together, there is a loss of the root self. What is gained, on the other hand, is empathy and intimacy (emotional, physical, intellectual, etc.). In short, it is a double-edged sword that we are fumbling around trying to figure out how to use while trying not to impale ourselves on.
The role of distance and separation in a couple is important in order to keep a sense of autonomy and “self” in place. It creates boundaries to “see” the other at arm’s length, and gives them the space to go towards the other, so to speak. This distance creates interest and differentiation. Without this, the couple can smother each other and become overly-familiar with their emotional, mental, and physical selves.
Familiarity can lead to sexual boredom, as we can see in couples who have lived together for many years and whose identities have merged together. We live in a society where our partners are expected to be the end-all-be-all of our world, and be extremely compatibility with our wants/needs/interests (for more reading on this, check out Esther Perel’s Mating In CaptivityI). This merging of identities leads to a lack of autonomy and loss of boundaries.
Sexual boredom in long term couples is not a misconception : without attentive care, sex between partners can become monotonous and bland after a period of time. Everyone tends to temper their sexual enthusiasm over time in a long-term relationship, but this doesn’t mean that the sexual connection that partners have needs to diminish in quality. By implementing space within the couple by imposing healthy boundaries and staying rooted in self-identities, sex can be a place where a couple returns to “find” one another in a creative, intense way.
